Something In Common

Sitting by the water eating my chicken kebab, I noticed three groups of women who looked vastly different to each other; nationality, clothing style, skin colour and language, and as I sat and observed, one question resonated within me and it just wouldn't go away.

The Question

What do I have in common with these women? In an instant I decided we all had a uterus. Perhaps that was a little presumptuous. What else? We all had hopes, dreams, opinions. Possibly. Out of the seven women near me, how many actually had a life goal or dream and how many would reach it? In the end I took the safe option; we all had a beating heart. In that contemplative state, I began to wonder if it was possible to somehow connect with these seven strangers.

Opportunity Knocks

Without warning and as if it was scripted, I felt the back draft from a wing as a seagull passed over my left shoulder just as the three women in front turned around. It all happened so fast I barely had time to register what had happened until I looked down at my non-existent kebab and empty wrapper.

One of the women saw everything and immediately cupped her hand over her mouth and shrieked in disbelief. This was my opportunity handed to me with grey and white feathers! “Did you see that?” I yelped. No one said I had to be eloquent. She nodded and dug her friend in the ribs, pointing to my empty kebab wrapper. The two women to my left turned to ask if the audacious seagull had indeed stolen my kebab. I assured them it had. That was five out of seven. I was on a roll.

I turned to the two women on my right, who had been deep in conversation and facing the other way, and saw they were now captivated by all the commotion. I gave them a scrambled recap (because you can chat to strangers if you have something in common - like the weather or an act of bravado from a renegade seabird) and their eyes widened as they suddenly became very aware of the encroaching seagull population. Their lunch was now being stalked. Eat fast ladies! It wasn't quite the icebreaker I was thinking of but it was highly effective.

It's the Little Things

It's like that in relationships. Marriage is a classic example. I've been married for twenty-three years. (Yes, I know I look so young - we married in preschool!) If there's one thing I've learned is that the little things that drive you nuts about the other person, really are insignificant to the big picture of a lifetime - unless you fertilize them. Then they GROW into blood-sucking leeches that drain the life and fun out of being in the same room as that person you used to think was so wonderful you could hardly think straight around them. Boy, were we delusional! Take for example... Mr Practical. He has a habit of telling me just a little piece of information and leaving out the important part.

Example:

Me: "Did someone just call?"

Mr P: "Yep, it was your sister..." (silence and walking away) And......? Nothing.

Now, my sister lives light years away so if she calls, there's a purpose. What did she want? Is everything okay? Is she coming to visit? TELL ME. But no, all I get is silence. Because this ticks me off so much, I go silent too... on the outside. On the inside, I'm venting. 'Don't tell me then! You do this every time! You always expect me to ask you for all the little details, well I'm not playing your games anymore.' And so it goes on. I know you never behave like this. Me either - it's just a hypothetical situation to illustrate my point.

What gets to me the most is that he's oblivious. When I finally confront him (incidentally, my tone can sometimes be interpreted as a little 'snippy' by this stage depending on the time elapsed since the first misdemeanor), he has no idea why I've got attitude. That ticks me off even more - hypothetically!

Me: "Soooo, why did my sister call?"

Mr P: "Don't know, she said she'd call back when you're home." Argh! So why didn't you just say that in the beginning? That's forty-seven minutes of my life, I just wasted and can't get back. (I tried holding out for longer, but I just had to know!)

Let it Go

When puffs of steam pump from my ears and nostrils, I need to walk away. So I'll fold washing nosily which, incidentally is not an effective measure to gain sympathy and/or attention. I'll make the bed so tight, a toothpick couldn't get between the sheets. I'll stand there and rub toothpaste splatters off the bathroom mirror and grumble about the burden of cleaning up after other people, which has nothing to do with what just happened but it's still a valid opportunity to rehearse and nurse the hardships I face. Hypothetically. Then I'll make a decision to calm down and remember what we have in common. All the good stuff.

Relationships never start out perfect but when they're watered with appreciation, kindness, patience and breakfast in bed, they continue to grow just as we do.

Much can be achieved in a moment and a life time, if we let go of what makes us different and focus in on what we have in common. Differences divide us into categories but finding what we have in common, even if it's that you both draw breath, places you on common ground. That's where bridges can be mended, walls can tumble down and hearts can begin to heal.

Copyright 2010 Philippa Vette (please don't reproduce - wait for the book!)